1. Lots and lots on the mind, heart’s been heavy. Thankful for the thoughts & prayers for our son & family. I can truly say we have felt God’s comfort through this process so far.

    Our son had an accident at school over a weak ago. The first diagnosis was a traumatic hyphema (sever bleeding in the eye). After 5 days of bed rest, the bleeding stopped and danger of loosing the eye was over. His vision was still severely impaired; a black fit and discolored blurriness was all he could see out of the injured eye. Once dilated, they discovered a chordal rupture which meant permanent damage from what they explained. We don’t know the extent of the damage yet, there was still a tiny amount of blood left and a lot of swelling. Time, hope, faith, and prayer….we’re praying and asking for others to do the same.

    It’s a test if faith, God doesn’t put anything on you that you can’t handle or that he won’t see you through and that is exactly how we explained it to our son. We are learning a lot about faith, and walking with it, not just speaking about it.

    The love & support has been humbling, I hope we are able to give the same to others.

    Our next appointment is this Friday, hoping and praying for good news ;/

    At the end of the day, God is good,God is great, and through him all is possible. No matter what the final outcome is, we pray for his will to be done and understanding. No matter what, it could be incredibly worse and we still, even today, right now, have so much to be thankful for and more blessings than we could ever deserve. We are trying to be string and brave for our son so he can be. He’s handling it great, extremely frustrated though and want’s the dot to go away. He’s ok with glades, but is holding on to hope he’ll have something better than what he has now. We are so proud if him and how he’s already adjusting. Kids are amazing. I hate he’s going through this though.

  2. Tagged #finally
  3. Despite my renewed resolve, I was having a very frustrating day, very Eyore-esk if you will. Then, as though he knew, our chaplain at work came by and asked if he could come in and talk.
    The conversation was great, listening to him, him listening to me. Through his message, and eventually my own that I came to during; I was reminded how important trust in faith and belief. Also that you have to be open to, actively seeking the good in your life. Often times, it’s not that good doesn’t happen, it’s maybe that we didn’t recognize the good, or the path to the good if that makes sense.

    I’m trying to embrace yesterday’s aha moment and keep my head on the swivel for good ;)

  4. Today is a new day, my goals are as follows: stay out of my head(I overthink / analyze way too much), get to the gym, eat sensibly.

    I’ve slowed down on my journey so much that I grew to a standstill, and then slowly started moving backwards. Today I start moving forward again.

    Worked too damn hard to give this much if it back. It’s been a year now since I quit smoking and that’s been a tired excuse for too long anyway. Stress is apparently an unavoidable aspect of my life and does not look to be changing anytime soon. I’m not going to go back to smoking, and I can’t keep eating; so I’ve got to pull up my big boy britches and deal ;)

  5. #truth

    Tagged #truth
  6. Feeling like the little engine that could today. I ate breakfast:16 points, the lunch; 16 points, no snacking other than maybe 12 M&Ms up until like 8:30 when I left work and headed to the gym. I grabbed a couple f snack wraps and a gatorade: 17 points and to the gym I went. All in all given the 100+ daily use average past week or so, I’m feeling good. Especially given I had the van today, could have gone out, was super swamped/stressed/frustrated at work too.

    Wasn’t feeling the gym but thanks to wife’s encouragement I went. 20 minutes in sauna, where the crazy shadow boxer sprayed us with his sweat his was swinging while dancing around like Muhammad Ali…. 30 minutes doing intervals on treadmill in cardio theatre for 500/600 calories burned. Highlight was 1/2 way in realizing the cup holder I put my cell in was standing in water…..grrr…..I finished out with more sauna. Not the most intense workout by far, but the gym therapy I needed tonight. Besides, it’s almost 10:00PM.

    Here’s to hopefully not tanking at home on food….. I’ll report back mañana. Today’s lesson: keep on keeping on, little better the yesterday is till progress. Baby steps are better than no steps.

  7. I haven’t felt too posty as of late. I haven’t exactly found my groove again as far as a balance of eating vs exercise. If anything I have been doing a lot better on exercise, just need to improve consistency in the frequency. The eating thing though… seems to be a 2014 theme of sorts…

    Between how busy life is right now and the lack of creative tips, techniques and triumphs over fitness and health….I have been limiting my posts, not wanting to be hitting the repeat button every time I do. Probably makes for insanely boring reading. Lol I never want to be the Eeyore, self-pitying and all woe is me either. That being said, I started this whole blog thing not with the intent to motivate the masses as much as an effort to record my journey, therapeutically write though my frustrations, and celebrate my victories. Through all of that, if I could touch someone else that, “if” riding on whether or not anyone would ever read any of these posts lol, that would be the icing on the cake. I have always said that if I had known just half of what I learned through weight watcher 10 years earlier…MAN! Where could I be now?!?!? At times I have tried to lean more towards motivation and inspiration, but then the guilt / self-doubt kicks in when you feel like your habits and day to days are becoming less and less inspiring and becoming more and more of a how NOT to do things. As a result, I don’t write that much anymore.

    Walking the fine line between capturing moments and feelings vs documenting my every move is a tough one too, lol and balance has never been my strongest trait either, I tend to lean towards extreme, (just ask my wife). While not wanting this to ever become digital diary, I think some of the more personal stories can be some of the more powerful ones. When someone opens up to me, or I read someone else’s story I know I usually benefit from it in one way or another. We all go through a lot of the same things, fell the same way, react the same way – far more similarities than differences in a lot of cases. No matter what your race, religion, ethnicity, orientation, or social/economic standing; EVERYONE feels joy, sorrow, pain, desperation, frustration, and temptation all the same. Despite humanities common threads, more and more people feel isolated and all alone; which if I am being honest completely BAFFLES ME! In the day and age we live in, with the ability to communicate in real time from across the globe and even outer space, with freedom of speech on a whole other level since the internet was introduced and then social networks and media. A cricket being stepped on in Malaysia could go viral and radicalize protests in Brazil by the end of the next day if done properly, it’s INSANE how quickly information not only travels, but number of people of all different walks of life it now reaches.

    So, if people can express themselves anyway they want, communicate anyway they want, and with anyone they want – why are so many people lonely? Why do people feel so isolated? Fear is my best guess. I look at myself, anytime I am trying to understand something; how it relates to me, applies to me either directly or metaphorically. At my heaviest I was most likely over 500lbs. I was afraid to admit how bad that was, how dangerous that was. If I was too scared to face those realities internally, how was I supposed to talk about them with others or listen to anything related to weight, health, fitness, etc.? I wasn’t and I didn’t. Instead, I would shut down, retreat further inward, and in a lot of cases, eat more and be less active, almost in a weird and twisted self-defense mechanism, like a turtle in his shell if that make since. It wasn’t until I could deal with the realities of my situation that I was able to be open to other possibilities, suggestions, instructions, learning, doing, etc. In the beginning, I couldn’t even think about attending a weight watchers meeting, let alone speak in front of anyone about my size, eating, exercise, etc. I would go weigh in during a dead time at the weight watchers place and speak with one or two of the ladies that worked there, if that. After several months, they began to do meetings at work. That was ok because I just answered questions, very impersonal in the beginning; I was the most experienced on the new WW plan, so being an “expert” of sorts made talking about it easier. Then one day I hit 100lbs lost when I was weighing in the ww place and was basically pushed into the meeting that was taking place at the time so they could announce my accomplishment and celebrate it. It was horrifying, amazing, joyful, scary, and very emotional. I would have run out of there if it hadn’t been for an old friend from high school. With her encouragement I began coming to that meeting and would become great friends with the most AMAXING people I had ever met. I soon LOVED talking about things and felt so much better doing so. I learned a lot, and I got to share a lot of things that worked for me too. It was GREAT! Again, what took me so long to get there, how much happier could I have been, more successful could I have been, etc. if I had just overcome that fear sooner?

    Not that being overweight and the emotional aspects of all of that could ever come close to being in the same arena as substance abuse; I do think there are some similarities with the addictiveness of things and the emotional dependencies that go along with the feelings associated with it. The depressions that can spiral them out of control and make them worse too. I have had people in my life deal with anxiety and depression; I have even known someone who has taken their own life, and other who have thought about it and even tried it. It’s all horrible, simply horrible what people can go through and suffer. I can’t imagine though, what would cause someone to take their own life, how bad it would have to be, how lost you would have to be for that to ending it to be the best and only answer.

    I know people in my life who have battled and continue to battle substance abuse. I have yet to EVER wrap my mind around how someone can let something completely take over their life and ruin it, but then I think about my weight and how I didn’t just wake up one day and say, “ Hey I want to become overweight!!!!!!!!” I became overweight over time, with little decisions, not one singular one. I would imagine, drug addicts, alcoholics, and other who have lost control of their lives to something got where they are the same way.

    I think that in itself is what spawns the whole chicken vs egg debate on blame; is it the person’s fault or the “disease”. I honestly don’t know where I fall on that one. I do feel like people own responsibility for where they end up, no matter what the situation. That being said, I recognize that once pat a certain point, some can become so lost, they are unable to come back on their own and without help. Regardless of my understanding or lack of it rather, I still find it incredible upsetting that there is so much suffering in the world, and self-inflicted at that.

    Between somethings happening close to home and yesterday’s news of Robin Williams’s passing, all of this has been on my mind. I hope and pray for strength and direction for all those lost and in pain. I pray the same for me too. God is incredible powerful, and God is so good. Faith in him, his plan, and that he will not put a weight on your shoulder that you cannot bear is paramount. You have to have faith; faith can see you through the darkest of time. Faith can give you the strength to overcome anything.

    Tagged #faith
  8. Not bad for 7 months ;) #fitbit

    Tagged #fitbit
  9. Ok, so here’s the funny thing; scale at home 371.6 before I went to bed, scale at gym w/ shoes was 350, and WW was 666.8…..

    The gain was not 10 + lbs so I’m actually happy given what all I ate.

    Going to rewind this week though.

  10. You know that thing, where something presents itself, an opportunity for something better? Not even something that you would have normally considered, or sought out; something that comes to you almost. At first it’s a what if, like winning the lottery. You don’t invest much thought or feeling into at first, your kinda like, “yea right, like that will ever happen”. Then, you think about it more and begin saying,“why not?!?!”. You begin to invest emotion in the idea of it, it transitions from a great of it does, whatever if it doesn’t to you REALLY wanting it. Your excitement and anxiousness builds leading up to your “shot”, you leave it all on the field and in God’s hands. You know you nailed it, even get feedback that confirms you did. Then comes the waiting…and more waiting…then doubt…more waiting…to the point that you think you’re over it, who cares, that’s what you get for dreaming…it was never going to happen anyway. You prepare yourself for it not happening because of how AMAZING it would be if it ever did. Then you build up the “if it did”, where you know, you just know IF it DID happen, he’ll it would just solve ALL your life’s problems and then some.

    I don’t think the devil likes confidence, peace, hope, or really any positive or healthy state of mind or point of view. The craziness that develops is his work, so that no matter what the outcome, good, bad, or indifferent; you’ll be so jaded it won’t matter…there will be no satisfaction, not being at peace, or content with the outcome.

    So that brings us to the next part of the story, the thing where it actually happens… you get it, you win, you get to pass go and collect your preverbal $200! In the emotional moment of pride, excitement, and shear thankfulness you can’t believe it’s happening, then there’s a piece of it that isn’t exactly how you imagined it or what you expected, a little deflating if you will. Not that it’s a bad thing, just throws the joy off momentarily. Again, the devil isn’t a fan of of feeling grateful or being humble….

    I think thorough, if you are of the mindset that the situation was in God’s hands, and things are meant to be, then you have to accept the fact that all aspects of it are too, not just the parts that work for ya.

    I think that is the case with all journeys too, all triumphs and failures. The path is a long one, the race is a marathon, not a sprint. Few times in life is a path ever straight and clear of obstacles and detours, nor is the path always clear from start to finish. That’s what makes life a journey, and one worth taking.

    I have come as close to a rock bottom as I have throughout this process on the food game. We’ve eaten out WAAAAY more than we have in a long time, which wouldn’t be so bad if not for me saying ____ it every time I order :/ I’ve been stressed, I am stressed, I’ve got to accept stress and do better dealing with it. The eating is one thing, going back to diet soft drinks, not sleeping….it’s a domino effect :/ I think the hardest part has been feeling more old me than the newer me :/

    Again, the struggle of finding balance, accepting life, and being off periodically versus black and white extremes, doubting yourself, stopping progress and even going backwards. Part of me feels like I know the answers, the other that I have no clue. I don’t know sometimes, or feel rather, that I even know what I’m doing anymore. I know , I know. I know I’m competent, capable, and ready to get after it; but I can’t seem to get that going consistently.

    I’m in my head too much, like you didn’t already get that from the first part…I keep self-sabotaging, listening to the cant’s and why not’s instead of focusing on the can’s.

    The reality is that I am a blessed man, God is good. He has a plan, and I’m a part of it. I’m not without responsibilities though, I can’t waste time worrying and doubting. I have to make the most out if every day I have, and take advantage if the opportunities I’ve been afforded. No matter how many doors are put before you, you can’t just look at them, you actually have to walk through them.

    I have changed my life, I have accomplished great things, and I am not done yet. This should be and is an incredibly exciting time in my life. Not everyone gets to change their life, reinvent themselves, accomplish goals, and further themselves. It’s ridiculous that I’ve wasted the time and energy that I have staying in this limbo/funk that I have for as long as I have.

    The chaos that surrounds me, the drama and stress associated with the insanity that is my family, friends, and work is no doubt any different than most, despite how much more colorful mine is at times lol. Accepting that, embracing it, and finding ways to minimize it’s negative impact is an ongoing journey. Ugh…and what a journey it is!

    That being said, I thank God everyday for this life he’s given me, my wife, kids, family, friends, and job. To pray for change and the ability to create it, to pray for opportunity and the courage to take it is something I have done for a long time. Seeing your prayers answered every new day as you look at your life and those around you is a precious gift and one I hope to try and never take for granted.

    So to the devil himself, all the naysayers, all the hatters….bless your heart. I’m going to go ahead be about my business, work hard, and stay humble. Pardon me while I go one and brush my shoulders off ;)